BREAKING: NFL general manager Roger Goodell has imposed the highest fine in NFL history on referee Ron Torbert for major mistakes during the SUPER BOWL game between the Chiefs vs. Eagles

In a move that’s shocking only in the sense that it didn’t happen sooner, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly dropped the hammer on referee Ron Torbert. Torbert, you might recall, was the, shall we say, central figure in the recent Super Bowl game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles. And by “central figure,” we mean “the guy whose questionable calls had everyone questioning if they’d accidentally wandered into a really elaborate improv show.”

Sources (aka, some intern who overheard Goodell yelling at a potted plant) say that Torbert’s fine is so astronomical, it could probably fund a small nation’s entire referee training program for the next century. We’re talking a sum so large, it’s rumored Goodell had to personally raid the NFL’s emergency stash of deflated footballs to cover the check.
The exact amount remains undisclosed, but experts (aka, that one guy on Twitter who claims to be an “NFL insider”) speculate it’s enough to buy, at minimum, a fleet of those little motorized carts referees use to get around the field. Or maybe a lifetime supply of those tiny little flags they seem to throw at random.

We take the integrity of the game very seriously,” Goodell reportedly mumbled while polishing his Super Bowl ring (just kidding… probably). “And while we appreciate Mr. Torbert’s… unique interpretation of the rulebook, we felt that a significant financial penalty was in order. Perhaps this will encourage him to consult, you know, the actual rulebook before officiating another game.”
Torbert, meanwhile, has reportedly gone into hiding. Rumors abound that he’s taken a vow of silence, joined a monastery, or possibly just moved to a remote island with no access to ESPN. His agent (who is probably also hiding) could not be reached for comment.

The fine, while hefty, probably won’t bring back those missed calls. But it does send a message: Mess with the Super Bowl, and you mess with the NFL’s bottom line. And that, my friends, is a penalty even a high-powered agent can’t negotiate. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go check my couch cushions. Maybe I can find enough change to pay for a single replay review.